TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, town historically recognized for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed from your Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from location. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Of course, sure, let us have One more location where American Males can put on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: give Everybody a suite about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electric power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It is really that he really should stop applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the undertaking, replied, "You already know, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Good tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head noticeable from Room, a feature becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after obtaining the constructing's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It can be not only unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where attendees may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising System: "Should you Bomb It, They may Come"


The advert marketing campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "where's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level will also contain:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort where by my PTSD might have turn-down assistance."


An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave it all 3. You are welcome."

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